2Fortvania
by Lord Siravant
Summary: It's just another day in Teufort when a strange castle suddenly appears right over top the BLU base. Now, our boys in RED have no choice but to administer their own brand of hell upon the forces of Count Dracula. Heavily inspired by the N64 Castlevania games, so everything is darker and scarier.
1. Chapter 1

**Happy Halloween, you maggots! Figured now was a good time to put this up, since it's been floating around my laptop for a while!**

 **XXXXXX000XXXXXX**

 **Chapter One: Unexpected Interruptions**

" _Mission ends in thirty seconds_!"

The sharp, commanding voice of the Administrator blared in RED Team's eardrums as they desperately covered Scout's retreat back towards their base, with their intelligence briefcase in hand. BLU was not making it easy though; their Pyro and Demoman were making a deadly combination, with the Pyro setting numerous REDs ablaze to weaken them while the BLU Demoman shot multiple grenades in rapid succession, reducing most of them to a smoldering paste. Thanks to an Übercharge activated in the nick of time, RED Heavy and Medic had survived, and were now standing alone against the encroaching BLUs as they made their final, desperate move for the briefcase.

"Get behind me, Doctor!" the Russian bear of a man roared over the whirring of his minigun as his defense put a brief end to the enemy Pyro, as well as the advancing enemy Soldier, while the BLU Demoman backed off, presumably to find a nearby healthkit.

Unbeknownst to either of them, BLU Spy was cloaked and hot on RED Scout's trail, following him back into the heart of the RED base. Though Scout was by far the fastest out of his whole team, he had taken a bullet to his leg that had slowed him down considerably. He knew he couldn't stop for a healthkit just yet, not until the briefcase was back where it was supposed to be, so he pressed on, gritting his teeth at the pain. He was getting closer to the intelligence room, when suddenly the familiar crack of a certain gun caught his ear right before his other leg exploded in pain. Scout cried out as he lost his balance and fell painfully to the ground, losing his grip on the briefcase in the process.

Scout managed to force himself onto his back as the damned BLU Spy entered his field of vision, laughing pompously. "Apologies," the Frenchman remarked as he stooped to pick up the briefcase.

"You son of a bitch," Scout growled.

"Now now," BLU Spy admonished mockingly as he straightened, briefcase in hand. "You don't want your dear mother to hear zat sort of language coming from you, do you, boy?"

Suddenly the BLU Spy felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned just in time to see a heavy wrench aimed right for his face. With the sickening sound of metal crushing bone, Spy dropped like a sack of potatoes, revealing Scout's savior; RED Engineer.

"Ya alright there, son?" Engineer asked, holding out a hand. "Heard the commotion outside 'n came to check it out."

Scout grinned as he hoisted himself to his feet with Engie's help. "Ugh, thanks, Hardhat."

As BLU Spy's body faded away to await respawn, Engineer and Scout looked up as they heard the Administrator's prerecorded voice announce, " _Victory_!"

"C'mon, let's get y'all patched up there," Engineer said, helping Scout into the Intel room, where he had set up his nest. "Just sit there 'n let the Dispenser take care of ya while we ferret out the rest'a them BLUs."

Scout only nodded as he set the briefcase back on the table and sat down over by the Dispenser, allowing the healing beam to force the bullets out of his leg and close the wounds, not even leaving a scar.

For the next few minutes, the victorious REDs chased down the surviving BLUs for the Humiliation Round, annihilating their helpless counterparts until none remained. It would be a good ten minutes before their Respawn device saw fit to bring them back to their home base nearby, and RED Team was ready to celebrate their latest victory in the endless Gravel Pit Wars.

But their thoughts of revelry were collectively cut short by a strange hum that rippled through the air. Heavy and Medic looked around suspiciously, the Russian revving his minigun again just in case. Sniper cast his eagle eyes all over the area from his perch, his eyes narrowing as the hum continued to grow louder.

Soon it was loud enough that even stone-drunk RED Demoman noticed, stumbling outside the BLU base as he reloaded his Loch 'n Load. "What the bloodeh hell?" he slurred, looking up.

Suddenly the ground beneath his feet began to tremble, knocking the drunken Scot on his ass with a cry of distress. Engineer's eyes widened underneath his omnipresent goggles as he cried as loudly as he could, "Boys, get outta the BLU base, _NOW_!"

Heavy and Medic beat a hasty retreat across the bridge, while Soldier, Pyro, and Spy emerged from the BLU base. While Pyro and Soldier raced across the bridge as the tremors increased, Spy caught sight of Demoman struggling to right himself over the constant shuddering of the earth beneath him. "Come, come!" the Frenchman cried as he hoisted Demoman to his feet. "Pick up ze pace, you drunken wretch!"

Barely had Spy managed to half-drag Demoman across the bridge before the whole world exploded, knocking every last RED mercenary off their feet as their vision flashed white, before darkness consumed all.

XXXXXX

"Unngh…?" Engineer groaned as he slowly sat up, his head pounding as his vision whirled. "What in Sam Hill…?"

Suddenly the events from before hit his mind, and he shook his head as he glanced all around. His other teammates were all strewn about, slowly coming to themselves save for Scout and Sniper, who were checking them over and gawking towards BLU base respectively. Engineer followed Sniper's gaze until he saw what had caught the Aussie's attention so utterly, and his jaw dropped at the sight.

The BLU base was gone. In its place was a massive castle that appeared to be Gothic in architecture. The entire structure was surrounded by a large outer wall of stone, with the only way in being a drawbridge that sat right across from where the Teufort bridge lay.

Just looking at the castle sent a feeling of utter dread shooting down the Texan's spine, and he dragged himself to his feet as he spoke, "What the hell is _that_?"

"Don't roightly know," Sniper answered, never taking his eyes off the ancient structure before them. "Just popped up outta the blue from that wave'a energy roight ovah top the BLU base. But that ain't all, Engie. Look up."

Engineer did so, and for the first time, he noticed it was the middle of the night. The full moon leered over the castle, allowing it to cast a massive, sinister shadow over the entirety of Teufort. "How long were we out?!" Engie gaped.

"About fifteen minutes, actually," Sniper responded. "That's what Oi'm gettin' at; as soon as this weird castle appeared, the whole day suddenly turned to noight."

Engineer was shocked. "No way…that ain't possible…"

"He ain't lyin', Engie," Scout added as he looked up from where he was currently rousing Demoman. "I saw it with my own two eyes when I got out here. I even checked the time; it's two in the afternoon, and yet it looks like it's freakin' midnight! It ain't natural!"

"I think zat is ze understatement of ze century," Medic muttered as he observed the castle with a critical eye.

"It's obviously the BLU scum's latest trick!" Soldier cried in his harsh, throaty voice. "With this new base, they intend to make it impossible for us to steal their intelligence, for all the good it'll do those maggots!"

"Something tells me zis is not the work of our erstwhile counterparts," Spy spoke up, lighting up a cigarette as he glared at the castle. "Whatever the case, I think it is safe to say zat we need to investigate."

"Gonna be a bit of a problem there, spook," Scout interrupted, pointing over at the bridge, which had collapsed in the chaos. "The castle's got a drawbridge, but I don't think they're gonna lower it anytime soon."

"We'll see," Spy replied ominously, taking a drag of his cigarette.

As he said this, a horde of large bats flew over their heads, circling over the castle as they screeched. "It's like one'a dem cheesy old horror flicks," Scout murmured. "…ain't so cheesy when it's the real thing. Brr…"

 _ **SKREEEEEEEEEE**_!

Before any of the mercenaries could so much as comment on the sudden noise, a vast shape, hidden in shadow, swept over them, bowling over Heavy and nearly knocking over Medic as well. Both Russian and German bit out a string of curses in their native tongues as they fumbled for their weapons.

"W-w-what the fuck is that thing?!" Scout cried as the shape swooped over him, the young merc briefly catching a glimpse of tiny red eyes and sharp, glistening fangs.

The unknown creature disappeared over a rooftop, and silence reigned once more. But that was even worse, for they all knew another attack was coming. Sniper raised his Sydney Sleeper, peering through the scope as he searched for the unknown beast. Heavy revved his minigun as Medic focused on building up another Übercharge. Spy slipped into the shadows, hoping to hunt the monster down in its own element. Demoman and Soldier both looked skyward, Black Box and Loch 'n Load held aloft, fingers on the triggers. Scout, visibly unsettled, shakily held his Scattergun close, his eyes darting all over the place. Warily casting his gaze around the area, Engineer slowly said, "Ah need to go get mah buildings from the base. Ah don't think it's a good idea to do it alone. Pyro, Scout, y'all come with me, y'hear?"

Pyro muttered something unintelligible under his gas mask in response as he gave a thumb's up, while Scout uncertainly nodded as the two of them followed the genius into the RED base.

The first thing they noticed was that it was completely dark. None of the lights were on, and the telltale beeps and other sounds of the various computers were absent. It was a total blackout.

"I can't see a damn thing!" Scout hissed under his breath.

Pyro held up a finger and said something that vaguely sounded like "hold on a moment," before disappearing back outside.

"Where's he goin'?" Scout demanded, not wanting to be left alone in the darkness.

In answer, Pyro quickly returned, bearing with him a freshly-ignited makeshift torch. "Nice goin', pardner," Engineer commended. "But Ah do have a flashlight."

Pyro shrugged as Engineer switched on his flashlight, allowing the trio to see far better than before. The base was eerily quiet, however, so much so that Scout began flinching at every little sound as they slowly progressed through the base. Looking at his younger companion, Engineer said, "Now what's got you in such a tizzy, boy?"

"I _saw_ dat freakin' thing, okay?" Scout uttered, glancing warily around. "I saw red eyes and big fangs like a fuckin' vampire!"

"Aw hell, vampires don't exist, buck," Engineer scolded.

"After all our dealin's with a pissed-off wizard, time travel, Australian Santa, and robot versions of ourselves whose power source is literally wads'a cash, you're tellin' _me_ vampires don't exist?"

"Point taken," Engineer admitted as they continued on.

After a few more minutes of silence, Scout finally muttered, "Ya think the Respawn system's still workin'?"

Engineer shook his head. "The Respawn runs on a separate generator. Even if we did have a power failure, it'd still run."

"Man, I hope you're right," Scout said, "because…"

A loud crash silenced him, and he let out a girlish shriek at the noise. Before either of the others could comment on this, something swooped into the room they were in with enough force to snuff out Pyro's torch, screeching horribly. Engineer tried to aim his flashlight at it, but the monster flew over Scout, grabbing him by the shoulders and causing him to drop his Scattergun. Pyro immediately jumped and grabbed hold of Scout's legs, their combined weight enough to force the creature to let go. However, both of them crashed into Engineer, knocking the flashlight out of his hands.

"Dagnabbit daggit _dammit_!" Engie cursed angrily as he tried to grab the light as Pyro and Scout rolled off of him.

Pyro seized his Flamethrower and sent roaring flames into the air, hoping to catch whatever was assaulting them. And on the far side of the room, Scout saw it clearly for the first time.

"Jesus, is that a fucking _bat_?!"

In the light of Pyro's flames, Engineer could clearly see that the monster was in fact a gigantic, man-sized vampire bat, recoiling from the heat and light. The giant bat then retreated down a hallway. Laughing in triumph, Pyro took off in pursuit. "Wait! Pyro!" Engineer cried as he stood.

Retrieving his Scattergun, Scout angrily cried, "We gotta stop that thing!"

Engie recovered his flashlight and drew out his pistol with his free hand as he and Scout chased after Pyro, following the sounds of rushing flames and the screeching beast. They rounded a corner just in time to see Pyro stop as the giant bat turned to face him. Suddenly it began flapping its wings towards them, harder and faster, until Pyro's flames were totally deflected and began forcing the three men back. And just like that, the flames died as Pyro ran out of fuel, plunging the hallway into darkness once more.

Engineer aimed his light right at the bat's face as it dove towards them, its fanged maw open wide. Scout and Engineer opened fire, pelting the giant bat with multiple bullets, but it ignored them as it barreled into them, knocking the three mercenaries flat on their asses. The giant bat came around for another assault…

…and then it was painfully distracted by another stream of bullets from behind.

From out of the darkness, cigarette smoke coiling around him in an omnipresent haze, came the unmistakable figure of Spy, his eyes narrowed as he took potshots at the giant bat with his trusty Ambassador.

Laughing at their luck, Engineer cried, "Never thought Ah'd be so happy t'see ya, Spy!"

Reloading as the giant bat screeched at him, Spy announced, "We're right by ze Intelligence room! Your Sentry is still in there! Let's see if we can lure this abomination into its range!"

Nodding in understanding, Engineer cried, "Boys! Follow mah lead!"

With that, Engie reloaded his pistol and fired several more rounds at the giant bat as he ran towards Spy. Scout and Pyro followed, Scout pelting the monster with Scattergun blasts while Pyro brought out his shotgun and fired his own rounds at it. They ducked as the giant bat swooped over their heads, trying to grab them, and kept running as Spy emptied another clip into it, forcing the monster back. Soon they all reached the espionage expert, who then cried, "This way!"

They ran down another hall, the angry monster in hot pursuit, until they reached a familiar doorway and ran inside. The giant bat flew in behind them, now with much more room to operate…

…until a hail of bullets and rockets slammed into it, its upper body exploding messily as the rest of it fell twitching to the ground. Blood, innards, and hair rained down on them for several seconds before it ended, the Level Three Sentry returning to its default scanning position.

Spy was the first to break the silence, looking down at his gore-stained clothes. "Well…that's anozzer three thousand dollar suit I'm going to burn."

XXXXXX

 _Two hours later_ …

A collective cheer rose up as the lights in the RED base all simultaneously blazed to life, dispelling the eerie darkness. Engineer wiped his brow as he stood up from where he had been working on the generator. "Whew, that oughta give us a few days'a power."

The Texan returned to where his teammates were waiting, in the lounge. "So the spare generator is workin' now. Should last us a couple days."

"Da, which means food will not go bad," Heavy rumbled from where he sat.

Spy rolled his eyes. "Nice to see zat you have your priorities straight, _mon frer_. Tell me, Laborer, do we have Respawn?"

Engineer sighed. "That's…where we got a problem. The Respawn system is on a separate generator, but that one took it bad too when the castle showed up. And since it's more intricate than what Ah got the tools for right now, Ah can't fix it 'til we can get word out to the Administrator."

"So the communications systems are down as well?" Spy clarified, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

"For the time bein'," Engineer replied. "But other than that, we got electricity 'n runnin' water. It's just our more complex systems that're bein' shorted out somehow. And if our Respawn's not workin', BLU's probably ain't either, so until it's fixed we probably won't be seein' much'a them."

"Perhaps ze castle is responsible?" Medic suggested. "Even I can tell zat something about zat castle _screams_ 'magic'. Vhat else could cause our systems so much trouble, or for zat matter, turn day to night? Scientifically speaking, zat should not be possible."

"If only I could get a hold of Merasmus," Soldier mused. "He'd know all about this crazy castle business."

Scout scoffed. "After all we 'n him 've put each udda through, I kinda doubt he's ever gonna wanna give ya the time'a day again, smart guy."

"Actually lads, I think I might know somethin'," Demoman, significantly more sober than before, spoke up.

Spy folded his arms. "We're all ears, Degroot."

"I've heard me fair share'a tales before then, but I didnae learn more till I started workin' fer Merasmus and started readin' through his library," the one-eyed black Scotsman began. "All of ye are familiar with a certain mythological figure called Count Dracula, aye?"

"Most famous of all vampires," Heavy replied. "Why?"

"Turns out the bloke's very real," Demoman continued.

Engie quirked an eyebrow. "Now, Ah know Bram Stoker based him off'a that Vlad the Impaler fella, but that don't make him real."

Demoman laughed. "Boyo, most 'o the world's got the whole story wrong, thanks te that man! Dracula's real, alright; and Vlad the Impaler was just one'a his alter egos. His real name is, uh…ah, right, Mathias Cronqvist! Lad was a Crusader Knight who lost his wife, blamed God fer et, and went bonkers out of grief. He tricked his own best friend inte helpin' him become the next Vampire King after killin' the old one. After that he took the name Dracula, and ever since he's been wagin' a crusade of his own against God, and by extension, all 'o humaniteh." Demoman took a moment to guzzle down a healthy portion of his bottle of Scrumpy before he continued. "That best friend 'o his, by the way, swore to God that he and his family would never rest until Dracula was destroyed, and evereh hundred years thereaboots, Dracula is resurrected te continue his crusade, and a descendent of his one-time best mate hunts him down and puts him back in his grave."

Silence reigned as the others took in Demoman's story, before Scout finally broke it. "So how's that explain the freaky-ass castle that's sittin' right on our back patio?"

"When Dracula became the new Vampire King, he gained control of a magical castle called 'Castlevania'. I remember it bein' described as chaos incarnate. The castle itself is said te be a livin', _breathin_ ' entiteh completeleh in thrall te the Count, and the first sign 'o Drac's return is his castle poppin' up in a random spot."

"So, what you're saying is, Count Dracula not only exists, but he's come back to loife roight on our back porch and is about to wage war on the human race?" Sniper summed up incredulously.

"That be the long and short of et, lad," Demoman answered.

At this, Soldier stood, a fire in his eyes. "If it's a war that bloodsucking maggot wants, it's a war he's gonna get! It's time to formulate a battle plan, men!"

"In case ya hadn't noticed, Solly, the bridge is out!" Scout reminded them shortly. "Plus the only way in is through that drawbridge, and it's currently up."

"We can make a new bridge, given a little time," Engineer said. "As for the drawbridge…Ah think a little dosage of explosive ordinance oughta solve that problem."

"More gun?" Spy smirked knowingly.

Engineer grinned back. "More gun."

"And what if he ain't alone in there?" Scout asked. "That giant bat obviously came from dat castle, and I'm willin' to bet there's way more where dat came from!"

"Indeed," Spy agreed, snuffing out his cigarette and depositing it in an ashtray. "We cannot simply go in blind, not knowing what to expect. We will need to scout out ze place and then prepare accordingly."

Engineer nodded. "Agreed. We'll let you do your thing, Spy. In the meantime, we'll do a runthrough of our weapons 'n cosmetics t'see what'll work best for us in there. But first thing's first, let's get that new bridge up."

XXXXXX

 _The next day_ …

…or else it would have been, under normal circumstances. But the Castle had not relinquished its hold over the night over the last twelve hours, but thankfully, no new monsters had emerged from within its halls. In any case, Engineer had finished constructing a makeshift bridge from heavy timbers to lay over the moat that divided the Castle from the RED base. At the moment, Heavy, Soldier, and Demoman were hauling the timber construction into place under Engineer's guidance while the other REDs looked on. Soon, with a collective grunt, the three strongest REDs managed to get the far end over to the other side and lowered it into place. It was only wide enough for one man to go across at a time, but it was something.

"Job well done, boys," Engineer commended the panting REDs. "Now let's get some chow and prep for our trek."

Their meal wasn't anything truly noteworthy, just some buffalo steaks and Heavy's signature sandwiches, but it was enough to fill them up for the time being. If the going got tough, they could always beat a hasty retreat back to base to recuperate before trying again. While Engie went and started working on a Teleporter exit, the rest of the mercenaries went and geared up in their own respective ways. Soldier had donned his Shogun helmet and completed the look by equipping his Half-Zatoichi. Sniper went and equipped his Shahanshah and Razorback, as well as donning his Desert Marauder hood. Scout donned his Spiral helmet and switched out his bat for a more noble weapon, his Three Rune Blade. Demoman equipped his Chargin' Targe and Eyelander, going for the royal look with his Crown and Royal Cape. Pyro decked himself out in his Halloween getup, that of a fire demon, (what else?) and switched out his fire axe for his Volcano Fragment, reveling in the irony of a demon burning other demons. Medic donned his Berliner's Bucket Helm and armed himself with his Crusader's Crossbow. Heavy put on his spiked Knight's Helmet, and furthered armored himself with the armor of his Iron Wolf ensemble before switching out his Fists of Steel for his Warrior's Spirit gloves. Spy went with his Cloak and Dagger, while also wearing his Assassin's Cowl over his omnipresent balaclava. Once Engineer had finished upgrading his Teleporter exit to Level Three, he went and replaced his trademark hardhat with his favorite white cowboy hat, while switching out his regular Shotgun for his Frontier Justice, before he and the others all met back in the lounge.

"Alright, so what's the plan, fellas?" Scout asked.

"First, after we blow down the drawbridge, we're gonna wait 'n see if anythin' comes out," Engie explained. "If it does, we blow it all t'kingdom come. If nothin' does, Spy will enter, cloaked, and try to gather as much intel as he can. Once we have a better idea of what we're up against, we'll move in and make our way through the Castle up to wherever the Count is lurkin'. Since we don't have Respawn t'fall back on right now, we all need t'be more careful about how we do things. If we need to fall back for any reason, Ah'll be carryin' along all mah buildings as we go through. We can use mah Teleporter t'warp back here to base. Sound like a plan, boys?"

The others all nodded their consent.

"That bloodsuckin' wankah won't even know what hit 'em," Sniper said with a grim smirk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Castle Crashers, TF2 Edition**

It was jarring, really, the difference between the looming Castle and the RED base. On one side, the Castle was tall, dark, and foreboding, and on the other side, the smaller, more modern base was brightly lit, warm and ironically inviting. Scout found himself already wishing he was back inside the familiar, moderately safe territory of the RED base as he and his fellow REDs looked up at the Castle.

From where he stood behind his Sentry, Engineer said, "Now, remember the plan, boys. The charges set, eyepatch?"

Reloading his Stickybomb launcher, Demoman replied, "Aye!"

"Ready to charge, Doc?" Engineer asked, looking at Medic.

" _Ja_ ," the German replied, red electricity crackling around the barrel of his Medigun as he kept it trained on Heavy.

"Ready to go, Spy?"

" _Oui_ , Laborer," Spy answered, disguised as a zombified version of himself.

"Alright…mission begins in ten seconds," Engineer announced, taking over for the Administrator for the sake of irony.

The mercs collectively braced themselves.

"Five…"

Pyro cackled as he held his Phlogistinator over his head. Scout blew a bubble from his chewing gum as he cocked his Scattergun.

"Four…"

Spy engaged his cloak, vanishing into thin air with a hiss and a puff of smoke. Medic's finger rested on the Übercharge trigger.

"Three…"

Demoman prepared himself to activate his bombs. Soldier raised his Black Box rocket launcher, ready to add his own ordinance in case Demo's stickies didn't cut it.

"Two…"

Heavy began revving his Brass Beast, aiming at the drawbridge as he growled. Sniper, standing at the far end, his back against the wall of the base, peered through the scope of his Sydney Sleeper towards the drawbridge, ready to start taking headshots.

"One…NOW!"

With a twitch of his empty eyesocket, Demoman activated the remote detonator implant inside it, and all twenty-four of his Stickybombs detonated simultaneously, the force of the explosion making the ground shudder beneath their feet. The drawbridge shattered to fragments, bits and pieces falling all around them. Invisible to all, Spy made his way across Engie's bridge and boldly entered the Castle while the others awaited any sort of response.

Several tense minutes passed, but nothing happened. Engineer breathed a sigh of relief, but before he could say anything, Sniper noticed something through his scope, approaching Teufort from the direction of the nearby town. It almost looked like…

"Head's up, lads!" Sniper cried, pointing towards the fence. "We've got company!"

The other REDs looked towards where Sniper was pointing, their eyes widening at what they saw.

A horde of skeletons was bearing down on the base, the lead ones already beginning to climb the fence. Many of them were carrying femur bones as makeshift clubs, while a handful were carrying knives and other, deadlier kitchen utensils. Clearly the Count had seen fit to reanimate the poor bones of all the civilians interred in the local graveyard.

"Are you freakin' _kiddin_ ' me?!" Scout cried.

Engineer pumped his Frontier Justice as he proclaimed, "Let's get 'em!"

XXXXXX

 _Castlevania, Outer Wall_ …

Right before his cloak was due to drop, Spy ducked behind a pillar and phased back into view with a quiet hiss. While the cloak would recharge if he had stood still, it was better to be able to move about the area more freely under his disguise. He glanced over his shoulder as he heard the telltale sounds of his companions fighting, realizing that their little stunt had not gone unnoticed. Turning back around to return to the task at hand, he noticed that right across from him was another entryway, this one currently blocked by a heavy, wrought-iron gate.

 _Might as well do something productive while the others are busy blowing up whatever has captured their attention_ , Spy thought to himself. _The mechanism to open this gate surely lies somewhere in this area_.

Looking around, Spy noticed a door to his right. The zombie-disguised Frenchman sauntered over to the door and jiggled the handle experimentally to see if it was locked. It wasn't.

Though this was hidden by his disguise, Spy withdrew his Ambassador revolver as he eased the door open, the ancient, rusty hinges squealing and the gnarled wood groaning from the movement. He then found himself inside what appeared to be a large round tower. A crumbling stairway spiraled its way towards the top, parts of it having broken off long ago.

"Nowhere to go but up," Spy mused to himself as he began to ascend the stairway.

Before too long, the espionage expert encountered his first obstacle. It appeared to be the skull of some reptilian beast, possibly a dragon, if such a creature had ever truly existed. A fell, blood-red light glowed from within it as the Bone Pillar impassively stared down Spy. Trusting in his disguise, Spy made his way past the unsuspecting creature, which didn't even spare him a passing glance as it slowly swiveled its head left and right, searching for any signs of living human intruders.

 _Hmm, its behavior is almost reminiscent of a Sentry_ , Spy thought, filing the information away for later.

A few minutes later, Spy came across a gap in the stairway where part of it had collapsed. Adjusting his tie, Spy took a few steps back before running forward and nimbly jumping across the gap, a few loose bits of stone falling behind him. Spy pressed on, passing by another oblivious Bone Pillar, but a short way past that, he stopped suddenly as something fell into his path with a resounding SHINK.

 _A guillotine_? Spy marveled, instantly recognizing the infamous device from his country's history as the blood-encrusted blade slowly rose back up into its default position.

Spy waited a moment before the guillotine fell once more. As it rose again, Spy thought, _Hmm, it appears to be set in some sort of automated pattern. About a three second delay between each drop_.

As soon as the guillotine was open again, Spy ran under it, clearing it about a second before it fell again. With that obstacle cleared, Spy pushed onward, blinking as he saw a trio of disembodied heads fly past him, snakes writhing in their hair. _Medusa Heads_? Spy thought. _How intriguing_.

As the heads vanished, like they were ghostly in nature, Spy came upon his next obstacle. Two platforms sat inside a break in the stairway. Every few seconds, the platforms turned over, revealing their undersides to be covered with sharp, bloodstained spikes, before turning back over to their flat tops. Spy observed their behavior for a few moments before he determined that they were each on a different pattern. The first platform turned every six seconds, the second one every four. With this in mind, Spy waited for the opportune moment when both platforms switched to the top at roughly the same time before he ran across, clearing the second platform right before it turned.

Brushing off an imaginary speck of dust, Spy scoffed. "The outcome was never really in doubt."

Soon he reached the top of the stairway, where he found himself at another door, with a metal engraving of a dragon's skull embossed in its center. Something in the Frenchman's gut told him that something particularly dangerous lay beyond this door, and Spy knew always to trust his gut instincts. With an ominous creak, Spy pushed the door open, bracing himself for whatever awaited him.

An earsplitting, shrieking roar assaulted his ears as he entered the top of the tower, and the assassin gawked at the source of the noise. Coiled around the gate mechanism was a skeletal serpent with two heads, each of which were glaring with ill intent at Spy. That immediately told him something disconcerting; they could see through his disguise.

" _Merde_ ," Spy spat as the first head sent a purple fireball hurtling towards him.

Spy dove behind the wall of the doorway, avoiding the attack. The White Dragon roared its anger to the heavens as its quarry hid where it could not reach. He had seen the monster just long enough to know that he would not get that gate open unless he dealt with it. But all he had were his revolver and knife. While both could cause a human target substantial harm, he was not certain the same could be said for a giant, two-headed undead snake. Nevertheless, there was no way he could escape as long as that thing was there.

And then it hit him; his cloak.

Maybe it could see through his disguise, but surely it could not detect him while invisible. Not even Engineer's laser-guided Sentries could do that. With an ominous hiss, Spy vanished and ran out from his hiding place. To his relief, the White Dragon's heads were both still staring venomously at the doorway he had entered from. Quietly, he flanked the angry beast, coming up to the left head's side. He stood still to let his cloak recharge while he investigated the monster up close.

 _Perhaps, if I am quick enough, I can use my knife to dislodge the head from the neck_ , Spy strategized.

He quickly took a step back as the left head opened its mouth, unleashing a gout of violet flames that washed over his former hiding spot, indicating that it would not save him from such an attack. Still invisible, Spy adjusted his tie one more time, preparing himself for whatever may come, before he struck.

Fading back into view with a hiss, Spy plunged his knife into the startled serpent's head where the back of its skull connected with its spine, and with a rough twist of his wrist, the bones snapped, the head flying free of the neck. Both the head and the severed neck burst into flames and crumbled to dust as the second head screeched in fury. Spy barely had time to notice several things falling from the crumbling head's remains to the ground before the second head rose upwards, well out of range of his knife, before shooting another burst of violet flames Spy's way.

The Frenchman quickly backed up out of range before whipping out his Ambassador. "Apologies," he mocked before firing off several rounds at the White Dragon's remaining head.

The serpent shrieked as the projectiles punctured its skull in several places, but as Spy feared, this only served to anger the undead beast further as it lunged at him. Spy dodged the serpent, cloaking once more. Furious, the White Dragon set the area it had last seen him ablaze, but Spy had already moved in the opposite direction, noticing two things near where the first head had fallen.

As the undead serpent angrily blew flames all around it, hoping to hit the invisible man out of pure luck, Spy ran over and retrieved the two items; a boomerang in the shape of a crucifix, and a bottle of holy water. Spy grinned. _Holy water…let's put it to the test_!

The White Dragon screeched, having yet to successfully locate Spy, when it suddenly heard a sharp whistle behind it. The skeletal serpent whipped its head towards the noise just in time to see the decloaked Spy lob something right at its face. Its whole world exploded in white-hot pain as the bottle shattered, spraying its head with holy water. The effect was immediate; the monster burst screeching into blue flames, writhing about as it was consumed by the holy inferno. Within moments nothing remained of the White Dragon, but several more items dropped from its corpse as it disintegrated.

"Nothing personal," Spy intoned smugly. "I just had to shut you up!"

With the threat neutralized, Spy waltzed over to the items that had been left behind and gathered them up; two crosses, and another bottle of holy water.

 _A gift for the jar man_ , Spy scoffed to himself as he inspected the holy water. _Now, time to get that gate open_.

XXXXXX

 _Outside_ …

Meanwhile, the other mercs were having a grand old time blowing up the skeleton horde closing in on them. Standing on top of a pile of boxes, Sniper picked his shots, scoring a headshot nearly every time. Engie's Sentry and Heavy's minigun sent a rain of bullet hell into the skeletons, ripping them to shreds. Soldier's rockets and Demoman's grenades sent bones flying into the air with every explosion. Scout ducked and weaved his way through those skeletons that had been lucky enough to get over the fence, taking potshots with his Scattergun or occasionally whacking them with his Three Rune Blade. Pyro was a laughing engine of destruction, setting dozens of skeletons on fire at a time, burning their bones black.

All in all, the skeletal horde was no match for the fury of RED Team, as they were well-suited to battling large numbers of weaker enemies thanks to their experiences in the Robot Wars. And the skeletons were no Gray Mann robots, that was for sure. In all of twenty minutes, the entire undead army was wiped out, their scattered bones littering the area like the latest string of Halloween decorations.

"Well, Ah reckon that's that," Engineer spoke, reloading his shotgun.

"Those babies never stood chance," Heavy rumbled.

" _Ja_ , I never even needed to activate ze Übercharge!" Medic declared.

"Well if dat's the best Count Suckula can do, maybe dis won't be so bad!" Scout laughed, his confidence returning after their easy victory.

"I wouldn't get so cocky just yet, boy."

All of them turned to see Spy decloaking, lighting yet another cigarette. "While you gentlemen were having your fun, I was investigating ze outer wall of the Castle. After battling a gigantic, two-headed undead snake, I have managed to open ze gate that leads into the main part of ze Castle."

Scout laughed in disbelief. "A giant two-headed zombie snake? No way!"

"Shut up, Scout," Spy berated him. "These are for you. I recovered zem from the monster's corpse, strangely enough."

With that, Spy tossed the younger man a pair of silver crosses. "What the?" Scout muttered as he looked them over.

"And this, Jar Man, is for you," Spy continued, tossing a dark blue bottle over to Sniper.

"Holy water?" Sniper asked incredulously.

"Indeed," Spy said. "It's quite potent, _monsieur_. I used anozzer one against the snake guarding ze gate mechanism, and ze beast utterly burst into flames. I would hold onto it if I were you."

Sniper blinked before depositing it in the knapsack where he kept his bottles of Jarate. "Duly noted, mate."

"So what y'all see in there?" Engineer asked.

"Mostly traps, but I did see a handful of ozzer monsters in there as well. Dragon skulls zat operate similarly to your Sentry Guns, for starters, as well as floating Medusa Heads."

"Medusa Heads?" Heavy repeated, hoping they didn't have the power to turn people to stone like their namesake.

"None of zem saw through my disguise save for the giant snake," Spy explained. "Once the rest of us barge in, though, it is unlikely my disguises will be of much further service."

"So ye managed te get the gate open?" Demoman asked. "Well, that'll save me a few of me bombs, then."

"Indeed," Spy replied. "Let's not waste any furzzer time, shall we? Ze Castle is quite large, and I fear we will be covering a lot of ground before we reach the Count."

"Perhaps we should take food along, just in case," Heavy suggested. "Heavy doubts we will find any in creepy castle."

"Ah reckon you're right, pardner," Engineer admitted. "Ah'll go get an ice chest ready. Heavy, y'all think ya could make us all some sandwiches?"

Heavy puffed out his chest with pride. " _Da_ , Heavy will make us many sandviches and Dalokoh's."

As Heavy and Engineer reentered the base to gather some grub, Scout couldn't help but scoff. "Man, I can't believe ya fought a giant monster and _lived_ ta tell about it, spook."

Spy rolled his eyes. "Brute force is not ze only way to win a battle, even against a so-called 'giant monster', Scout."

Of course, he neglected to mention that the holy water had probably saved his bacon back there.

XXXXXX

 _Inside RED Base_ …

As Heavy busied himself with making his sandwiches, humming an old Russian tune to himself, Engineer came into the kitchen, carrying an ice chest about as large as his toolkit with him. The Texan mechanic dropped it on the table and opened the lid. "Make us about eighteen sandwiches, if ya can, pardner. Two fer each of us."

Heavy wordlessly nodded, focusing on his work. Meanwhile, Engineer opened the fridge and fished out a few Dalokoh's chocolate bars, a six-pack of beers, some bottled water, and, with Demoman in mind, an extra bottle of his favorite Scrumpy, and set it all on the table before placing it in the ice chest in an organized manner.

"You know, you cannot carry tools and ice chest by yourself, little man," Heavy suddenly spoke without looking up.

"Pardon?" Engineer asked, quirking an eyebrow at his Russian cohort.

"You will bring tools with you, ya?" Heavy asked, looking over his shoulder. "But each building is in its own box. Too much for any one man to carry."

"Whaddaya suggestin'?" Engineer asked.

"I am giant man. I can easily carry toolboxes and ice chest on my back, if I have pack large enough to fit them all."

Engineer smiled and nodded. "Thanks for the help, big man."

XXXXXX

Soon, Heavy and Engineer came back outside where the others were waiting, with Heavy wearing a harness that had the ice chest and the toolboxes containing Engineer's Sentry, Dispenser, and Teleporter entrance strapped to his back. "Jeez, what took ya so long?" Scout griped.

"Little baby Scout should exercise greater patience if he does not wish for Heavy to _beat his ass_ ," Heavy intoned ominously.

Scout petulantly stuck his tongue out in response. "Ooh, yeah, you're real scary."

"Now, none'a that, fellas," Engineer chided. "We got work to do."

RED Team collectively looked up at the Castle, knowing what had to be done. After a quick resupply, the nine mercenaries/Belmont stand-ins regrouped by the entrance. "Alright, fellas," Engineer declared in resignation. "Let's go save the world."

"Mark my words, maggots!" Soldier cried, brandishing his Half-Zatoichi. "Anyone who comes out of this without vampire blood on their hands is a dead man! MOVE _OUT_!"

Letting loose a war cry, Soldier charged into the castle entrance. Not one to be outdone, Pyro ran after him, his mad laughter muffled by his gas mask. The others rolled their eyes at their comrades' brazenness before following behind.


End file.
